Last fall- family photo with Beowulf.
What a bizarre start to the year it has been. Since January we’ve had several friends who have been very ill, repaired the car- at a horribly expensive fee, came to a tipping point in regards to finances, lost little Beowulf, Bear cracked his tooth apparently below the gum line, on and on it goes. And that doesn’t include the very dramatic national and global ripples we are all riding. Trying to hold onto creativity, vision, and work has seemed more of a challenge, and it’s been easy to get distracted with so much chaos in the world.
Like Barton, during these times I find it difficult to accept the support that we do have around us. It’s so much easier for me to give rather than to accept a gift. Tomorrow, a group from our church is coming over for a house repair day. How ironic that my first urge is to make sure the house is all tidy and clean before they get here! Allowing others into places where we are still rough around the edges is something that’s taken a while to get used to.
As we began to speak about how we push aside the help we are offered, I realized how strong that old cyclical pattern of not feeling like I deserve the help that is offered. Certainly, so many others are more in need than we are.
And, in part because of the judgment that surrounds it. I will always be the wife who hears “I don’t take care of Barton,” “don’t feed him enough,” or “if you can’t manage this, how could you possibly ever have children.” It’s an oddity of extremes- others either hold me on a pedestal because they think I solely take care of Barton or I am the one who can’t do anything right & Barton deserves someone else. There is little room for middle ground.
The reality is, right now, we all need to come together, hold each other where the other falters and fill in the empty spaces. What is it like to truly accept a gift? How do you help the giver by allowing them to give? How can you carry that gift forward?