My Facebook page has lit up recently with a baby boom, colors of blue or pink, and strips of sonograms sprinkle the page. For those who have children, it brings smiles to their faces, reminders of their own children when they were that young. To those waiting, wanting or who cannot have children, it’s a painful reminder what we possibly will never have in our lives. It’s a pain that won’t ease even when the computer screen goes dark.
After I mentioned to someone that we had turned down two adoption opportunities (we just weren’t where we needed to be yet), but we were excited because that meant things were opening up for us, I was reminded that we should make sure it was for the right reasons.
I came home perplexed and confused. You wouldn’t say that to someone who had a miscarriage and wanted to try to have a baby again, the natural way. It was reminescent of when Barton and I first met, how many people asked us how we would manage our lives together, and how, we were told it would be too difficult and hard for us.
How do we move through the “no”? With smiles and laughter, of course!!
Since marrying Barton, I have so much compassion for people and their families impacted by disability or other life-impacting challenges. I have never heard the word “no” so many times for so many things.
How do you move through the resistance, that barrier that stops you, reinforced by other people’s perceptions? Here are some tips:
Moving Through the “No”
• Your journey is no one else’s. Claim it!
Just as we have had challenges and times when we have failed, we have had just as many times as we have succeeded and been surrounded by our community. And, I imagine that so have you. If you are being called toward a life-long dream, a vision that is bigger than you, it’s time to forge your own path!
• Compassion toward self, and others.
When you have that feeling of jealousy, anger or bitterness at someone who has just knocked down your dream or told you no, have compassion toward yourself, and towards others. They are seeing something else, a different perspective. It’s not right or wrong, it’s just different. And both perspectives can be right!
• Listen to the No.
This is so hard, isn’t it? To actually listen to the “no.” Whether you hit a road block or you hear “no” from someone else, the “no” is just a perspective. It can tell you where there are missing pieces, yet to be made, and even more nerve-wracking, yet to be designed. Where are you being called?
• Focus, Focus, Focus
Barton has this innate ability when someone tells him he can’t do something, to drive an arrow line to the goal and drive through it. For me, there are times when I hold back, look at the bigger picture, and then I become really focused. One step at a time, one moment at a time. Focus also requires action, but it’s the right kind of action, when you discover your zone.
• Just Going For It!
There’s liberation in just going for it, whether the goal or dream comes to fruition or not! It’s that feeling of having your arms open, ready for whatever may come. There are times when you have to let go, and just dive in.
I don’t know if we will ever adopt a child, which is a vision that we still hold. But what I do know is that we are taking specific action steps to move forward, no matter what anyone says or doesn’t say. And we’re not going in with our eyes closed. It’ll take time, hard work, and luck. And if all are aligned, one day we hope to be parents.
And if we’re not, we’re going to have a blast in process!
When Barton and I were engaged, we didn’t have all the answers about how we would manage our lives. But I knew that I was in love, and nothing else mattered. And yes, because of that, I have such a deeply rich life full of experiences that I am forever, ever grateful for in ways beyond words.
And that is all we can ask for!
I love David Whyte’s poem Start Close In. This poem is a beautiful reminder to walk your our path, own it, claim it, and walk it!