The past several weeks have felt incredible amidst the external chaos of the various challenges we face such as finding new contracts and piecing together what we have now to stay afloat as Megan and I have been moving together in an amazingly fluid fashion.
While it has been clear for some time that both of us have been making headway in terms of out own abilities to communicate with one another while dealing with our own internal processing, it seems that a month or so ago, I discovered a foundational component to one of the beliefs that kept me out of a state of reaction. This has truly been amazing for it’s felt like I’ve undergone a complete face-lift and I would think Megan would agree that I’m much more tolerable to live with.
After we moved to North Carolina, neither of us wanted to acknowledge where we were financially. Moreover, I had no idea, nor did I want one, of how much debt we were in. Megan knew this and because she didn’t want to ask me to slow down in any way, she was hesitant to show me what was really going on. To compound this perspective, in the moments where she did try to provide me with a clear picture, I would automatically erupt in anger and refuse to work on solutions.
Though it was a long journey, we finally found the courage, over time to face our self-made reality. Yet, it took me even longer to learn to approach this process with openness rather than reactivity. A major component of this shift was catalyzed by my own ability to experience and let go of the fear that I was feeling without allowing it to control my response or mutate into another emotion.
While I recognize that a month may not erase patterns from the past six years entirely, I’m very excited about what appears to be a fresh beginning, and it’s even more exciting to me to explore the openness and freedom that is beginning to take root for both of us.
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